What if your most important decisions should be made based on who you want to become rather than what you want to achieve?

April 28, 2025 by The What If Philosopher

The Crossroads of Choice: Becoming vs. Achieving

We are constantly faced with decisions, big and small, that shape the trajectory of our lives. Traditionally, particularly in success-oriented cultures, major decisions are often framed around achievements:

“What career path will lead to the highest salary or most prestigious title?” (Achieving status/wealth)
“Which strategy will allow me to complete this project fastest?” (Achieving efficiency/completion)
“What actions will help me acquire this specific skill or possession?” (Achieving competence/ownership)

This approach is tangible, measurable, and provides clear targets. However, focusing solely on what we want to achieve can sometimes lead us down paths that, while successful by external metrics, feel hollow or misaligned with our deeper sense of self. We might reach the summit only to realize we climbed the wrong mountain.

The alternative framework proposed – making decisions based on who you want to become – shifts the foundational question:

Instead of “What outcome do I want?”, ask “What kind of person do I aspire to be?”
Instead of “What goal should I pursue?”, ask “What choice aligns with the values and character traits I wish to embody?”
Instead of “What will this get me?”, ask “What will choosing this make of me?”

This isn’t about abandoning goals entirely, but rather about filtering them through the lens of identity development. The process of pursuing a goal, and the person you become while pursuing it, takes precedence over the mere attainment of the goal itself.

Why This Shift is Profound: Key Implications

A More Robust Internal Compass:
- Achieving: Relies on external validation and shifting goalposts. Success is defined by reaching targets, which can change or lose meaning.
- Becoming: Relies on internal values, principles, and character traits (e.g., integrity, kindness, courage, curiosity, resilience). These provide a more stable and enduring North Star for navigation, especially during uncertainty or failure. A setback in achieving a goal is just that – a setback. A choice that compromises who you want to be feels like a fundamental betrayal of self.
Redefining Success and Failure:
- Achieving: Success is binary – you either hit the target or you don’t. Failure can be devastating.
- Becoming: Success is measured by adherence to one’s chosen values and the growth in desired character traits, regardless of the external outcome. Did I act with integrity, even if the deal fell through? Did I show courage, even if I didn’t win? Did I practice kindness, even if it wasn’t reciprocated? This framework allows for “successful failures” – situations where the outcome wasn’t desired, but the individual acted in alignment with their aspirational self.
Long-Term Fulfillment over Short-Term Gratification:
- Achieving: Often focuses on milestones that provide temporary satisfaction (hedonic adaptation means the thrill of achievement fades). It can lead to a constant chase for the next thing.
- Becoming: Focuses on the ongoing cultivation of self, which is intrinsically rewarding. Living in alignment with one’s values generates a deeper, more sustainable sense of meaning, purpose, and contentment (eudaimonic well-being).
Enhanced Resilience and Adaptability:
- Achieving: When the path to a specific goal is blocked, it can lead to frustration or giving up. Identity can become fragilely tied to specific achievements.
- Becoming: Your core identity isn’t tied to a single outcome. If one path doesn’t work, the question becomes: “What alternative path still allows me to act as the person I want to be (e.g., resourceful, persistent, ethical)?” This fosters flexibility and resilience in the face of obstacles.
Ethical Clarity and Integrity:
- Achieving: Can sometimes incentivize cutting corners or making compromises if the focus is purely on the end result (“the ends justify the means”).
- Becoming: Places ethical considerations front and center. The primary question is whether a choice aligns with the kind of person (e.g., honest, fair, compassionate) one aims to be. This naturally filters out choices that require compromising core principles.
Authenticity and Reduced Inner Conflict:
- Achieving: Can lead to pursuing goals set by others (society, family, peers) that don’t truly resonate, causing inner conflict or a sense of living an inauthentic life.
- Becoming: Requires deep introspection about one’s core values and desired character. Decisions stemming from this place are inherently more authentic and aligned with one’s true self, reducing cognitive dissonance.

How to Implement an Identity-Focused Decision-Making Process

Shifting to this model requires conscious effort and self-reflection:

Define Your Aspirational Self: Spend time clarifying the character traits, virtues, and principles you most admire and wish to embody. Who do you want to be in five years, ten years, or at the end of your life? Think about qualities like: Honest, Courageous, Kind, Patient, Disciplined, Curious, Creative, Generous, Resilient, Wise, etc. Write them down.
Visualize That Person: Imagine this future, aspirational version of yourself. How do they act? How do they handle challenges? How do they treat others? How do they approach decisions?
Frame Decisions Through Identity: When facing a significant choice, explicitly ask:
- “What would the person I want to become do in this situation?”
- “Which option aligns best with the values (e.g., integrity, growth, compassion) I want to live by?”
- “Will this choice help me cultivate the character traits I aspire to have?”
- “Looking back, will I be proud of how I made this decision and who I was in the process, regardless of the outcome?”
Prioritize Process Over Outcome (Sometimes): Recognize that how you do something is as important, if not more important, than what you achieve. Focus on developing habits and making small, consistent choices that reinforce your desired identity.
Reflect and Adjust: Regularly review your decisions. Did they align with who you want to become? Where did you succeed? Where did you fall short? Use this reflection to refine your understanding of your values and strengthen your resolve.

Finding the Balance: Integrating Being and Achieving

This isn’t necessarily an argument to completely abandon goals. Goals provide direction, motivation, and structure. The key is integration:

Set Goals Aligned with Becoming: Choose goals that not only lead to desirable outcomes but also require you to develop into the person you want to be. For instance, instead of just “Get promoted,” perhaps the goal is “Become a leader who mentors others effectively,” where the promotion is a potential outcome, but the focus is on developing leadership qualities.
Use ‘Becoming’ as a Filter: Evaluate potential goals and the paths to achieve them against your core values and desired identity. If achieving a goal requires actions that conflict with who you want to be, reconsider the goal or the path.
Focus on Identity During the Pursuit: While working towards an achievement, continually check in: “Am I acting with integrity? Am I being resilient? Am I learning and growing in the ways I value?”

Potential Challenges

Vagueness: “Becoming” can feel less concrete than “achieving $X.” It requires ongoing clarification and self-awareness.
Impracticality?: In some situations, immediate, practical outcomes are non-negotiable (e.g., needing a job to pay rent). However, even here, one can ask: “How can I approach this job search in a way that aligns with my desire to be persistent, honest, and proactive?”
Patience: Character development is a slow, lifelong process, unlike the often quicker feedback loop of achieving specific goals.

Conclusion